Connie Miller: [00:00:00] So let’s move from guilt to growth in your house. First step is identifying the source. Recognize the common triggers of guilt. Is it the pressure to be a super parent, constant comparison to others, or fear of making mistakes? Understanding your personal guilt patterns is key. Take time to reflect on when and why you feel guilty. By identifying these triggers, you can begin to challenge the beliefs that are fueling your guilt as a parent. Next, reframe your mindset. Shift your perspective from self-criticism to self-compassion. This is a powerful tool in releasing your guilt. Instead of beating yourself up over what you didn’t do, focus on what you did do right. Focus on what you can do next. Celebrate the small wins, because they’re often the ones that matter the most.
Narrator: Welcome to Raising Resilience, a podcast dedicated to empowering modern parents to transform their parenting journey from surviving to thriving. [00:01:00] Each week, join certified master parent coach, former elementary school teacher, and devoted mom of three, Connie Miller, as she provides heartfelt advice, expert insights, and practical strategies. From managing emotional overwhelm and redefining parenting roles to finding the perfect work life balance, we’ve got you covered. Hit subscribe now and embark on this enriching journey with us. Now here’s your host, Connie Miller.
Connie Miller: Hey there, and welcome to Raising Resilience. I’m Connie Miller, and I’m so thrilled you’re here once again. Today, we’re going to dive into another topic that’s near and dear to my heart. That unicorn of guilt-free parenting. I mean, is there even such a thing? Well, not 100%, but stick around and I’ll teach you how to let go when that nasty parenting guilt sneaks in.
We’re gonna explore [00:02:00] how shedding the heavy cloak of parental guilt Can set us free and set us back to, well, life. Before we dive in today’s topic, I do want to share with you two personal stories that seem particularly appropriate considering the start of school and the guilt that can come from managing our kids education.
What can be heavier than that and guilt ridden.
So a little bit of background. We have a nine year old daughter. She’s. Struggled a bit with reading, not anything too bad. Despite being labeled gifted, reading has always been a real challenge for her. I found myself feeling so guilty, questioning if I was even doing enough to support her. I felt like I was failing her, my husband was failing her, we were all failing her.
Even though I knew in my heart, as an educator, that each child learns at their own pace, and not to put too much pressure on her. And I believed in her teachers and her school, and of course her. But that guilt kept sneaking in. So one day [00:03:00] after yet another difficult reading session filled with frustration and misguided encouragement on my part, I realized that my guilt was the thing that was creating the barrier between us, not her reading.
I was so focused on worrying about what she wasn’t achieving that I was missing out on celebrating all the wonderful things she was doing. Though she was a slow reader, she had great comprehension. Teachers worry about pace of reading because it can impact comprehension. But her comprehension is great.
So my guilt was preventing me from seeing that she was becoming a successful reader, that she was learning how to read, and that it was just a matter of time before her pace caught up to her comprehension. All that guilt was for nothing. And that’s when I knew I needed to shift my mindset. I started focusing on her strengths, providing encouragement rather than pressure.
It wasn’t an overnight change of course, but over time I saw her confidence grow [00:04:00] and so did our connection. No more reading battles, tracking minutes, or buying books that never get opened. She has become a successful reader in her own right and in her own time. And I’ve been able to let go of the guilt.
Second little story is about our son. there was a time that we debated whether or not to hold our son back here in school based on his age, whether or not to start him in kindergarten or let him do another year of EC. He was born the day before our district’s cutoff, making him the youngest in his class by far, which caused any struggles he might be having, whether or not they were normal or unique to him, magnified by our guilt of not waiting to send him.
What if we made the wrong choice? What if he falls behind because of our decision?
I carried that guilt with me long into the many, many nights, staying up super late, wondering if we’d made the right decision. Then I realized it was just crowding my ability to support him in the present. When I thought about it that way, it changed everything. Instead of dwelling on what might have [00:05:00] been and decisions that were already made, we started focusing on building his confidence, helping him manage his challenges and celebrating his achievements.
No matter how small that shift has allowed us to nurture his strengths and see him thrive despite the challenges. And despite being the youngest one is age. And great, we can now celebrate those things and not worry about them so much. So what does this look like broken down? Clearly getting, letting go of parenting guilt is a bit more complex than realizing and shifting and letting it go like a balloon.
So let’s go to the details.
Alright, so here are your key concepts. As you know, today we’re exploring the concept of parenting guilt and how to let it go. We all know what parenting guilt can feel like. Often overwhelming, exhausting, sad, remorseful, etc. It’s awful, isn’t it? It’s the nagging voice in our heads telling us we’re not doing enough.
Or we’re not doing things the right way. But [00:06:00] here’s the thing. That guilt can become an insidious barrier to forming genuine connections with our kids and being the parent that we want to be and enjoying life. Instead of fostering a nurturing environment, guilt can lead us into a cycle of stress and reactive parenting.
Exactly what we don’t want to be doing. But when we face and release the grip of shame and guilt we feel, we open the door to a parenting journey that honors our individuality, our strengths, and our family context, no matter what it might be.
A parenting journey that honors our individuality, strengths, and family context, whatever that may be. We get to foster a positive and resilient family environment, growing those resilient kids we want to have. And, as always, we’re never about perfection, just progress. Guilt will still sneak in. but it’s what you do with it that matters.
Alright, let’s talk some practical strategies. I know [00:07:00] that all sounds good, but if we can’t put it into practice, does it really even matter? Alright, so let’s move from guilt to growth in your house. First step is identifying the source. Recognize the common triggers of guilt. is it the pressure to be a super parent, constant comparison to others, or fear of making mistakes?
Understanding your personal guilt patterns is key. Take time to reflect on why you feel guilty today, yesterday, when your kid was a baby, what you’re worried about in the future, what are the triggers.
You can begin to challenge these beliefs. Take time to reflect on when and why you feel guilty. By identifying these triggers, you can begin to challenge the beliefs that are fueling your guilt as a parent. Next, reframe your mindset. Shift your perspective from self-criticism to self-compassion This is a powerful tool in releasing your guilt.
Instead of beating yourself over, up over what you didn’t do, focus on what you [00:08:00] did do right. Focus on what you can do next. Celebrate the small wins because they’re often the ones that matter the most. For example, if you’re feeling guilty about not spending enough time with your kid, try to reframe that thought.
Instead of saying, I’m a bad parent because I’m not spending enough time with my kids. Say, I’m doing my best to balance work and family, and I’m making the most of the time that I get with them every day super special. now I want to share some real life stories, stories of clients or friends of mine who, like you and me, struggle with parenting guilt and how to manage it. they were each able to go through their guilt and shame by first identifying the source, second reframing their mindset, and third embracing the imperfection.
Maybe one of these stories will resonate with you. and a struggle you’ve had with your parenting guilt. All right, let’s talk about those strong willed kids. I had a client who was dealing with constant power struggles with their strong willed child. They felt overwhelmed and guilty [00:09:00] for not being able to create a harmonious home environment.
There was yelling, there was shouting, there was demanding, there was stomping of feet, there were tons of different punishments and bribes being implemented. But by implementing responsive parenting techniques, Such as offering tons of choices and emphasizing with their child’s feeling, they transform these struggles into opportunities for connection.
They stopped letting their child’s choices drive their emotions. The child began cooperating more willingly and the atmosphere at home began to become more peaceful.
Now let’s talk about building emotional resilience in that sensitive child by dropping our own guilt. Another client who had a highly sensitive child who experienced frequent meltdowns, pretty much the opposite of that strong willed child.
By letting go of their guilt, first by identifying the source of their guilt, by reframing their mindset, and then finally embracing [00:10:00] imperfection, they were able to implement the responsive parenting strategies that that they wanted to implement earlier and didn’t have access to because of their guilt.
Like validating their child’s feelings, introducing calming techniques. this helped their child develop their emotional resilience to work through these meltdowns and their big emotions. Over time, the meltdowns became less frequent and the parent child relationship grew stronger and more understanding.
how about this one? Who can relate? Sibling rivalry. A family came to me struggling with intense sibling rivalry. They had an older child who felt neglected after the arrival of their new sibling. And things just grew as the kids grew older and older. Bigger fights, bigger meltdowns, more yelling, rivalry.
The parents felt constantly torn and guilty for not being able to give equal attention to both children. And they often found themselves blaming the older child for the rivalry. [00:11:00] But by letting go of their guilt, first, by identifying the source of it, second, by reframing their mindset, and third, by embracing their imperfections, they were no longer clouded by guilt and could start using that responsive parenting tools.
They addressed their older child’s feelings, they created special one-on-one time, and encouraged positive interactions between the siblings. Over time the rivalry decreased and the siblings began to form a close bond, bringing them to be friends and no longer enemies.
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Relieve stress and re energize your family life. And for a fun, insightful way to understand your parenting style, take our quick [00:12:00] quiz at www. happinesscoaching. com backslash parenting dash power dash quiz. Grab your guide, take the quiz, and let’s start thriving together. Now, back to the show.
Connie Miller: Alright, finally, let’s talk about that child who is struggling to thrive at school. This story is close to home for me. As you know, I mentioned earlier that both my kids have had their own challenges at school. And so with each child going to school, that brings a whole nother box of issues that potentially can come up.
I worked recently with a parent whose child has severe anxiety, particularly related to school. The parents felt guilty for not being able to ease their child’s fears and worried about the impact on their academic performance.
By letting go of their guilt surrounding their inability to control their child’s anxiety at school, they were able to identify the sources, [00:13:00] reframe their mindset around it, and then start embracing the imperfection that came with this. By creating a supportive, reassuring environment at home, and working closely with the school, they were able to help their child gain confidence and start enjoying school.
The child’s anxiety got reduced and they began to thrive because they were supported both at home and at school with their challenges.
Finally, it is only a power struggle if we give it power. What do I mean? I had another parent who often reacted with frustration during their child’s tantrums. We worked on identifying their triggers and letting go of the guilt, practicing pause before responding, and by shifting into responsive versus reactive parenting lens, using calm and consistent communication.
The parent was able to let go of their guilt about their reactions and saw dramatic reduction in tantrums and started feeling a [00:14:00] deeper, more trusting relationship with their child.
I know all these stories were super short, didn’t provide a ton of detail and context, but part of that reason is because we each are on our own journey, and no two exact situations are exactly the same. So what do I want you to take away from this week? This week, our challenge is to start identifying the sources of your guilt.
Just take a moment each day to reflect on any feelings of guilt that might arise, big or small. What triggered them? Is it an external expectation or an internal standard that you’ve set for yourself? Once you’ve identified these triggers, practice reframing them with self-compassion curiosity, and intention.
Remind yourself that you’re human, that mistakes are okay, and that your worth as a parent isn’t defined by perfection. So, let’s recap. Step one, identify the source. Why does this make me [00:15:00] feel guilty? Step two, reframe your mindset. How can I look at the situation without guilt? Step three, Establish your principles.
Find a why that you like and stick to it. And then finally, step four, embrace imperfection. Don’t add another layer of guilt when you’re trying to let go of guilt. Embrace the process. Be curious and explore the ideas. See what works for you. And if you’re looking for some accountability, you could try keeping a guilt journal for a week.
Even in the notes section of your phone, each day write down any moments when you felt guilty, what triggered that guilt, and how you responded. Then take a few minutes at the end of the day to reframe those thoughts into a more compassionate light. For example, if you felt guilty about missing a school event, Write down why you made that decision and how it aligns with your overall values as a parent.
This simple exercise can help you start shifting your mindset and [00:16:00] reducing the hold guilt has on you as a parent. We all have 10,000 thoughts a day. What we choose to do with them is up to us. Do we choose to embrace the productive thoughts, the thoughts that help us embrace challenges and persevere? Or do we choose to look for evidence to support our destructive thoughts, The ones that prohibit us and darken our days.
The thoughts you choose to embrace, your mind will find evidence to support. Choose the thoughts you embrace intentionally because they matter. This small shift can make a big difference in how you approach parenting and how you feel about yourself as a person. And as a parent, remember letting go of guilt isn’t about lowering your standards.
It’s about being kinder to yourself and consciously choosing the thoughts we embrace. so today we’ve talked about the power of letting go of parental guilt. And four quick steps, identify, reframe, establish, and then embrace. [00:17:00] Remember, it’s not about being perfect. It’s about being present, intentional, and true to your values.
As you work on releasing your own guilt, you’ll find that your connection with your children strengthens and you’ll start to enjoy the parenting journey even more. And as I always say, progress beats perfection every time. So until next week, keep nurturing, keep growing, and keep Raising resilience.
Thanks again for tuning in to raising resilience. And I look forward to chatting with you again next week when we’ll be exploring the practical parenting tactics that deliver immediate impact to your day. If you found this episode helpful, be sure to share it with fellow parent and don’t forget to subscribe.
So you never miss an episode. Visit our website for more resources and join our community. If you like minded parents who are on the same journey, take care and we’ll see you next time.
Narrator: Make sure to visit our website, happinesscoaching. com, where you can subscribe to the show on [00:18:00] iTunes, Spotify, or via RSS so you’ll never miss an episode. If you found value in today’s show, we’d truly appreciate a rating on iTunes, or simply tell a friend about the podcast. That would help us out too. For more exclusive content, check out our free downloads and webinar at Happiness Coaching.
Be sure to tune in next week for more tips and strategies for making your parenting journey rewarding and joyful. Until then, keep embracing those resilient moments.
