[00:00:00] Connie Miller: Hey there. Welcome to this week’s episode of Raising Resilience, I’m Connie Miller. And wow, this parenting gig is a wild one, isn’t it? I have three amazing kids. Each is as unique as a fingerprint, and I’m here to share how I navigate this wild ride, not only as a parent but also as a parent coach.
[00:00:19] Connie Miller: So, grab your cup of coffee, and let’s chat about the beautiful mess, that is family life. All right, today we’re going to dive into a topic that hits close to home for me, letting go of that awful parental guilt. Trust me, I’ve been there, just like many of you. We all have those moments where we wonder if we’re doing enough, or if we’re doing the right thing, and the guilt creeps in.
[00:00:42] Connie Miller: Today, I’m going to share how you can shed that guilt and start overcoming those challenges faster and get back to the fun of parenting. So, let’s go.
[00:00:53] Connie Miller: All right, but before we dive into how to let go of parenting guilt, I want to share a couple of stories from my own [00:01:00] personal life. These are moments where my own parenting journey was clouded by guilt that crept in and threatened to steal my ability to show up for my kids like I want to, even knowing what I know as a parenting coach.
[00:01:13] Connie Miller: First one that comes to mind is navigating academic challenges. This is something that can really get all of us. It pulls at our heartstrings, it reminds us of struggles maybe we had when we were kids, and or goals and aspirations that we have for our children. So, seeing them struggle always gets us every single time.
[00:01:35] Connie Miller: Alright, I remember when our daughter, who is nine now, was struggling with reading. Despite being labeled as gifted, reading was a real struggle for her from the get-go. She could comprehend beautifully, but just couldn’t keep up with the pace expected at school. My husband and I found ourselves feeling guilty, questioning if we were doing enough to support her.
[00:01:57] Connie Miller: Were we pushing too hard? Were we not pushing [00:02:00] enough? We were giving the support she needed? We felt like we were failing her over and over again. Even though, I knew, we knew, in our hearts that every child learns at their own pace. But that guilt, it’s like a heavy fog, right? It just gets into your mind and won’t let go. It clouded my ability to see what she was actually achieving.
[00:02:21] Connie Miller: So, one day after yet another reading session filled with frustration, and what I realized later was misguided encouragement from both of us. I stopped and thought, why am I feeling so guilty about this? What about this is so triggering?
[00:02:35] Connie Miller: That’s when I identified the source of my guilt, I was so focused on what she wasn’t achieving that I was missing out on celebrating all the moments and wonderful things she was doing. It struck me that this was a mindset issue, I was stuck in the mindset that if she wasn’t excelling in every area, I was somehow failing her, instead of letting the challenges be [00:03:00] part of the journey for her.
[00:03:01] Connie Miller: So, I reframed my mindset. Instead of worrying about what she couldn’t do, I started celebrating what she could do. Paying close attention to all the moments, no matter how big or small. She might’ve been a slow reader, but her comprehension was incredible. That’s where I needed to put my energy, on her strengths, not her struggles.
[00:03:21] Connie Miller: So, as a family, we established a new principle in our house, we decided to focus on progress, not perfection. We got to practice what we preach, right? It wasn’t an overnight change, but as I began to embrace the process, I saw her confidence grow.
[00:03:37] Connie Miller: And so did our connection, and love for reading together. No more reading battles, no more tracking minutes, or buying books that never got opened. Instead, we started enjoying reading together, one slow meaningful page at a time. And after a year or so, she caught up to her peers. And that worry of the past is no longer there and neither is the guilt.
[00:03:59] Connie Miller: Now [00:04:00] second, has to do with school again. But this time, figuring out how to deal with the guilt I felt about my son going to school, young. Our son, who’s now six, was born the last day before the district’s cut-off date, making him the youngest in his class for sure, and possibly even in the district.
[00:04:20] Connie Miller: And let me tell you, that fact has magnified and exploded every struggle that he’s had. We’ve debated for a long, whether to hold him back, whether we should hold him back, wishing we had held him back, wondering if we should have held him back, wondering if we did the right thing even. What if we made the wrong choice?
[00:04:41] Connie Miller: What if he falls behind because of our decision? I carried that guilt around like a backpack full of bricks, agonizing over it, staying up late at night, wondering if we had done him a disservice.
[00:04:54] Connie Miller: Alright, I know as a parent coach that when guilt creeps in, I want to identify.
[00:04:59] Connie Miller: All right, so [00:05:00] let’s get right to it. Let’s talk about how we can actually let go of this guilt starting today. We’ve all felt it, that overwhelming, exhausting, weight of wondering if we’re doing enough, if we’re doing the right thing. But here’s the thing, guilt can become an insidious barrier to forming genuine connections with our kids and being the parents that we want to be.
[00:05:23] Connie Miller: So, instead of fostering a nurturing environment, guilt can lead us into a cycle of stress and reactive parenting. Exactly what we don’t want to be doing as a parent. But we all face it now and again. So, when we release the grip of shame, we open the door to a parenting journey that honors our individuality, our strengths, and our family context.
[00:05:46] Connie Miller: Alright, so here’s the strategies and tips. So, moving from guilt to growth. It’s all about breaking it down into four simple steps. First, we’re going to identify, we’re going to reframe, we’re going to [00:06:00] establish and embrace. These steps have been absolute game-changers for me, and I think they might help you too.
[00:06:06] Connie Miller: Actually, I know they will. All right, first, let’s identify the source of our guilt. Recognize the common triggers of your guilt. Is it the pressure to be a super parent? Constant comparison to others? Fear of making mistakes? Or something else altogether? Understanding your personal guilt patterns is key.
[00:06:24] Connie Miller: Take time to reflect on when and why you feel guilty. By identifying these triggers and just recognizing them, you can begin to challenge the beliefs that are fueling your guilt. As I shared earlier, with my daughter’s reading struggles, I had to identify that my guilt was coming from unrealistic expectations, not just of her, but of myself as her mother.
[00:06:48] Connie Miller: I had to realize that I was carrying guilt because I wasn’t allowing myself to accept that she was learning at her own pace, despite what I knew intellectually. Of course, learning in her own way. [00:07:00] Because everyone’s learning journey is just as unique as they are.
[00:07:02] Connie Miller: Alright, second, let’s reframe your mindset. Once you’ve identified where your guilt’s coming from, we gotta work with that guilt. Let’s shift your perspective from self-criticism to self-compassion. Instead of beating yourself up over what you didn’t do, focus on what you did do right.
[00:07:21] Connie Miller: Celebrate the small wins, because we’re often the ones that matter the most. Reframing is about seeing the situation through the lens of kindness towards yourself. In the case of my son and our decision about school, I realized that by focusing on what might have gone wrong or might go wrong in the future, I was missing all the things that were going right.
[00:07:42] Connie Miller: He was happy, he was learning, he was making wonderful friends. The friends, after all, were part of the reason why we decided to send him when we did anyway. And that’s what matters, shifting my mindset, I could start supporting him in the ways he needed, rather [00:08:00] than dwelling on what I thought I should have done differently or could have done differently.
[00:08:05] Connie Miller: Now third, it’s your why. Why are you doing this? Work on establishing your parenting principles. Define what’s most important to you and your family. What is your why for doing and having the boundaries that you have? What values do you want to instill in your children? What kind of environment do you want to create at home for them?
[00:08:29] Connie Miller: By setting the foundation for a parenting style that aligns with your values and goals, you can parent from a much more confident and less guilty place. If I like my why, it makes all the other stuff not matter as much. For us, it’s all about creating a home where love, laughter, and patience are at the core.
[00:08:49] Connie Miller: With my daughter, we establish a new principle. We focus on progress, not perfection. Working her hardest, trying her hardest, and that’s all she can do. Each time she works with a teacher, [00:09:00] it is just her chance to show her teacher what she already knows, so they can make school as much fun as they possibly can for her, and learning enjoyable.
[00:09:11] Connie Miller: This principle has guided us to celebrate her strengths, like her comprehension skills, and enjoy the learning process rather than stressing about it.
[00:09:19] Connie Miller: Alright, finally, embrace imperfection. Accept that mistakes are part of the learning process, for both you and your child. Instead of viewing setbacks as failures, see them as opportunities for growth. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help. Embracing imperfection allows us to be kinder to ourselves and our children, creating a home environment where everyone feels free to grow and to learn.
[00:09:44] Connie Miller: Build a community of support, whether it’s through mentors, parenting groups, or trusted friends, but stop hiding behind a cloak of perfection. It’s okay to be open and honest with each other. Parenting is hard, with my son, for instance, we embraced the fact [00:10:00] that he might face challenges due to being the youngest in his class.
[00:10:03] Connie Miller: We stopped worrying about what could go wrong and focused on what was going right. By embracing imperfection, we were able to understand that we don’t have to get it right all the time. What’s important is, that we’re there supporting our kids and learning together along the way. Being together and not necessarily perfect can keep the guilt away too.
[00:10:28] Connie Miller: All right, I know that all this sounds well and great, but what does it look like in real life? Now that we’ve gone through all the steps, let’s dig into how these work in real life. Here’s some stories from my parenting journey as a parent coach. These are from clients that I’ve worked with, but from friends, family members, and they’re all perfect examples of how moving from guilt to growth can transform your approach of parenting.
[00:10:56] Connie Miller: I’ll walk you through how they applied each of the four [00:11:00] steps. They worked to identify, reframe, establish, and embrace to navigate challenges and let go of guilt.
[00:11:07] Connie Miller: All right, first story is about overcoming power struggles with a strong-willed child. I know this speaks to a lot of us, me as well, but one of my clients was dealing with a constant power struggle with their strong-willed child. They felt overwhelmed and guilty for the way they would explode on their child and the frustration they felt daily because of it.
[00:11:29] Connie Miller: My client was able to get it down to the belief that they should be able to control every situation. They wanted to stop the behaviors. This parent was stuck in a cycle of reacting to their child’s behavior with frustration, which only escalated the power struggles.
[00:11:47] Connie Miller: Together, we worked on reframing their mindset, instead of seeing these struggles as failures, they began to view them as opportunities to teach and to connect with their child. They established [00:12:00] principles around empathy and offering choices, which aligned with their value of fostering independence. They stopped worrying about what other people were thinking when their daughter had outbursts because their daughter started having fewer and fewer outbursts.
[00:12:15] Connie Miller: Finally, they embraced the imperfection of daily challenges, focusing on progress rather than perfection. Over time, they noticed that their child began cooperating more willingly, and the atmosphere at home and out in public became much less stressful, if not peaceful.
[00:12:32] Connie Miller: All right. Second story is about building emotional resilience in a sensitive child. So, another client of mine had a highly sensitive child, the opposite of a strong-willed child, who experienced frequent meltdowns as well, which left the parent feeling helpless and guilty with their frustration once again.
[00:12:52] Connie Miller: They were overwhelmed by the intensity of their child’s emotions and felt like they were failing to fix the problem for their [00:13:00] child. Once again, we started by identifying what the root of their guilt was. It was in the expectation that they should be able to prevent every meltdown and every big feeling of their child’s.
[00:13:12] Connie Miller: Then, we worked on reframing their mindset, recognizing that emotional outbursts are just part of their child’s process, not a reflection of their parenting. We focus on establishing a principle-centered on emotional validation. Allow their child to feel their emotions, be okay with their big emotions, feeling them fully without trying to immediately fix them.
[00:13:34] Connie Miller: The parents learned to embrace the ups and downs, understanding that resilience is built through these very experiences. Over time, because of their embracing these feelings, the meltdowns became less frequent. And they were able to let go of their guilt, and their bond became stronger and more understanding with their child.
[00:13:55] Connie Miller: Alright, last but certainly not least, navigating [00:14:00] sibling rivalry with empathy. Sibling rivalry is a tough one, isn’t it? I had a family come to me who was struggling with intense sibling rivalry, where the older child felt neglected after the arrival of the new sibling, an age-old story. But the parents felt torn and guilty for not being able to give equal attention to both children.
[00:14:20] Connie Miller: Once again, we began by identifying where the guilt came from. The guilt they felt for not being able to split their attention perfectly between their two kids. They then reframed their mindset to focus on the quality of attention rather than the quantity. They establish the principle of creating special one one-on-one time with each child and embrace the fact that rivalry is a natural part, if not a beneficial part, to having siblings. And can be managed with empathy and patience.
[00:14:52] Connie Miller: It was not necessarily about the quantity of time, but the quality of time. Once they were able to let go of the [00:15:00] guilt, their quality of time went up significantly. They were no longer arguing with the guilt while they were trying to play with their child, and the siblings began to form a bond. No sibling bond is perfect, and they will always have their times, but by letting go of guilt, they were able to also let go of the sibling rivalry.
[00:15:21] Connie Miller: Okay, so now it’s your turn. What do I want you to take away from this week? This week, your challenge is to start identifying the sources of your parental guilt. To take a moment each day to reflect on any feelings of guilt that might arise. What triggered them? Is it an external expectation, or an internal standard that you’ve set for yourself?
[00:15:45] Connie Miller: Once you’ve identified these triggers, practice reframing them with self-compassion, curiosity, and intention. Let’s remember the steps. Step one, identify the source. Why does this make me feel guilty? Step two, reframe [00:16:00] your mindset. How can I look at this situation with self-compassion? Step three, establish your principles.
[00:16:08] Connie Miller: What values are most important to you? Embrace imperfection. Remember, progress is much more important than perfection. If you’re looking for some accountability, try keeping a guilt journal, even for a week. Throw it in the notes section of your phone, for example. Each day, write down any moments where you felt guilty, what triggered that guilt, and how you responded.
[00:16:30] Connie Miller: Then take a few minutes to reframe those thoughts in a more compassionate light. This small shift can make a big difference in how you approach parenting, and how you feel about yourself as a parent.
[00:16:43] Connie Miller: Remember, we all have 10,000 thoughts a day. Would you choose to do with those thoughts, and the thoughts you choose to embrace? Those are the two things that can either lead to guilt or to growth. So, let’s embrace the positive thoughts, the thoughts that take us towards [00:17:00] growth and resilience, bring us closer to the parent that we want to be day in and day out, building those strong bonds with our kids.
[00:17:07] Connie Miller: Today we talked about the power of letting go of that guilt in just four steps. Remember, identify, to reframe, to establish, and embrace. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being present, intentional, and true to your values. As you work on releasing your guilt, you’ll find that your connection with your kids will strengthen, and you’ll start to enjoy the parenting journey even more.
[00:17:31] Connie Miller: Remember, progress beats perfection every time. Until next week, keep nurturing, keep growing, and keep raising resilience.
[00:17:42] Connie Miller: Thanks for tuning in to Raising Resilience this week. I’m so glad you joined me today. And I look forward to chatting with you next week, when we’ll be exploring the practical parenting tactics that deliver immediate impact from day one. If you found this episode helpful, be sure to share it [00:18:00] with your fellow parents.
[00:18:01] Connie Miller: And don’t forget to subscribe, so you’ll never miss an episode. Visit our website for more resources, and join our community of like-minded parents who are on the same journey. Take care and we’ll see you next time.
