Decoding Responsive Parenting

[00:00:00] Connie Miller: Hey there and welcome to Raising Resilience. I’m Connie Miller, and I’m thrilled you’re here. Now, let’s get down to it and chat about growing these strong, adaptable children of ours. And hey remember, we’re all about progress here, not perfection. So keep nurturing, keep growing, and let’s dive in. Today we’re talking about responsive parenting.

[00:00:16] Connie Miller: I know what you’re thinking. Great, another parenting buzzword. But stick with me here, because this approach, it’s a game changer. Before we go deeper, I do have a confession to make. You know that completely overwhelmed by your child’s behaviors, wondering why nothing seems to work? I’ve been there, more than once.

[00:00:33] Connie Miller: When I had my first child, I was lost. Here I was, a seasoned preschool, elementary school teacher, used to juggling 30 children like a pro, keeping them on task, and running a typeship. But suddenly, with one child at home, there was complete chaos. How was I struggling so much with behaviors, discipline, routines, and my own stress? It felt like my superpowers had vanished.

[00:00:55] Connie Miller: Then, in a light bulb moment, I stumbled upon parent coaching and this whole [00:01:00] concept of responsive parenting. And let me tell you what, it was a game changer. Suddenly, I felt like I had my mojo back. The stress melted away, and that sense of order and routine that kept my classroom running smoothly, it came flooding back into my home life. It was like I’d found the secret sauce to making parenting enjoyable again. Inviting, and dare I say, even successful. Who knew, right?

[00:01:22] Connie Miller: The best part is, you don’t need to be a seasoned teacher, or even really been around children before, to rock responsive parenting. So let’s go get it. Have you ever felt like you’re just winging it as a parent? Crossing your fingers that your choices will somehow work out.

[00:01:36] Connie Miller: Responsive parenting comes in here. It gives you a solid game plan. No more winging it and hoping for the best. Or even more chaotic, trying to implement new strategies on the fly. It’s not fun at all. Think about it. Even the best sports teams face unexpected challenges. That’s parenting in a nutshell.

[00:01:54] Connie Miller: The cool part is, with responsive parenting, you’re ready for those parenting curveballs. It’s all about [00:02:00] adapting on the fly, just like a coach tweaking strategies mid-game. Your children will learn how to handle those surprise emotions. You’ll figure out what works for each child, and everyone gets better with practice. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about growing together. So ready to upgrade your parenting playbook?

[00:02:16] Connie Miller: When you get the hang of this, it can turn your home from a battleground into a well-maintained playing field, where every player is ready to deal with whatever comes. Like I said earlier, I played the parenting game with and without responsive parenting. And this approach, it’s like finding the cheat codes to parenting.

[00:02:33] Connie Miller: Now, I’m not saying it’s going to make everything easy or perfect. We all know parenting doesn’t work like that, but responsive parenting will give you the tools to navigate the seas of raising little humans. Imagine navigating a ship through turbulent waters. Responsive parenting is a reliable compass, helping you find the way when even the seas are rough.

[00:02:54] Connie Miller: Do you ever feel like you’re speaking a different language than your child? First up, let’s start by identifying your child’s cues. [00:03:00] Children aren’t always great at using their words. So we’ve got to put on our detective hats and look for those nonverbal signs. This is your first step to becoming a responsive parent.

[00:03:10] Connie Miller: Is your toddler getting irritated? Maybe they’re tired, not just being difficult. It’s about recognizing the subtle hints that they give us. And they often repeat these hints over and over again. The little signs that tell us what’s going on in their world. Or your second grader is acting out or seems unusually quiet after school.

[00:03:29] Connie Miller: It might be because they had a tough day, not just because they’re being difficult. It’s about picking up on those little signs, like furrowed brows, or a sigh, that tell us more about what’s happening in their world than their words. Children in this age group are still learning how to articulate their feelings and needs. Oftentimes, just can’t find the words, or even understand the concepts that their feelings are being caused by.

[00:03:52] Connie Miller: And don’t forget those teens. Teens might not always express their feelings. And honestly, they get a bad rap. Especially when they’re [00:04:00] struggling. Instead of asking for help, they might become withdrawn, or spend more time alone in their room. It’s about recognizing those subtle hints that they give us, like changes in their behavior or mood, and understanding that they might not be going through something significant.

[00:04:14] Connie Miller: By paying attention and getting curious about those signals, we can respond more effectively and meet the needs before things escalate, before things get too messy, which not only diminishes the disruptive behavior, but it supports them in being more cooperative and likely to actively engage with their surroundings.

[00:04:33] Connie Miller: And you, yes, you. Have you ever noticed how your child lights up when they feel truly understood or heard? If not, pay attention next time when their face lights up. Think about what happened right before. You’re catching them in a positive moment of being kind to their brother or their sister. Or just by noticing them doing something little, like stepping out of the way for somebody walking down the street. The little flash of light they get on their face, [00:05:00] that’s comfort, that’s connection. So let’s lean into this idea and expand it, to not only be positive behaviors but also challenging behaviors. That’s all we’re doing. We’re trying to catch the little signs.

[00:05:12] Connie Miller: Now, next up, welcome to an old concept with a new application. We’ve all heard about active listening and empathy, but this one is huge for responsive parenting. When your child feels seen, heard, and understood, it’s like magic. They open up, trust you more. It’s not just about fixing everything, but about being there, really being there, teaching them every step of the way. Think of it like having a secret language with your child. Active listening means putting aside your distractions, giving your child your full attention. It means making eye contact, nodding, showing through your body language that you’re there for them, truly there for them.

[00:05:55] Connie Miller: And empathy, that’s about putting yourself in their shoes, understanding their [00:06:00] feelings without judgment. Let’s break this down a little bit further because this one can be tricky. When you’re practicing active listening, you’re not just hearing the words, you’re understanding the emotions behind those words. It’s about being present in the moment and really connected with your child.

[00:06:16] Connie Miller: Sometimes, just a nod or a simple, I understand, can go a long way in making your child feel valued. Next up, follow through on these rules that seem so hard to stick to. But follow-through is a massive cornerstone to responsive parenting. When we talk about consistency, let’s think back to a time where you struggled to keep a rule or routine and you started feeling yourself giving in, leaving you wondering if it’s even worth the effort.

[00:06:45] Connie Miller: We all know that consistency is big and that kids thrive on routine. But why is it so darn hard to not give in? Think of it as their seatbelt to life. Consistent routines provide children [00:07:00] with a sense of predictability and security.

[00:07:02] Connie Miller: As babies and toddlers fight against getting buckled in their car seats. But over time, children consistently know what to expect when they get in the car. And they get in the car, buckle on their own, and sit for the entire car ride. This helps them feel safe for the entire car ride. Keeping consistent boundaries as Infants and toddlers act the same way, as a seatbelt does for infants and toddlers growing older. But for your whole family, buckle your children in with consistent and reliable routines and boundaries. And after a little pushback and a bit of practice, they will start doing it on their own, just like they did with their seatbelt.

[00:07:45] Connie Miller: Think about a bedtime routine, for example. Having consistent sequence of activities like bath time, story time, then lights out can make a world of difference. It signals to your child that it’s time to wind down and get ready [00:08:00] for sleep over time. But imagine, if all of a sudden it was something different every night. Some different order, they had no idea what to expect. Just like if they got in a car and the safety rules were different every time. It would create confusion, chaos, and feelings of being unsafe.

[00:08:19] Connie Miller: Over time, these routines become confirming rituals that help them transition smoothly from one part of their day to another. The more consistent we are with bedtime routines or any routine, the better sleep and self-care habits our older children will develop, as they’ve practiced them since they were young. If you’re having an oh crap moment right now, I’m sure a lot of you are, I do time to time as well, and wondering, Ugh, is my child too old to benefit from this? I missed the window.

[00:08:50] Connie Miller: Let me tell you this. Setting fair, consistent routines and boundaries can start at any age. Consistency also applies to how we respond to our children’s behavior. If we react [00:09:00] differently to the same behavior on different days and different times, it can be confusing for them. They might not understand what’s expected of them. By being consistent in our responses, we help them learn about boundaries and consistencies in a clear, predictable way. Sounds easier, said than done, I know. So let’s break it down a little bit further.

[00:09:20] Connie Miller: Do you find it challenging to set limits without feeling like the bad guy? But you want to set boundaries and stay consistent and hate being the bad guy every single time. It’s tricky, it’s a slippery slope. But it’s about guiding them, not ruling them. While respecting their boundaries, they’re growing independence, and meeting them where they are developmentally.

[00:09:41] Connie Miller: Think of it as creating a safe playground for them to explore. Setting boundaries is critical for a kid’s development. And it teaches them about limits and self-control, but it’s equally as important to enforce those boundaries with love and understanding. This means explaining the reasons [00:10:00] behind the rules, having the rules be simple, and showing empathy when they feel frustrated by the rules. It’s okay for them to feel frustrated and still hold the boundary.

[00:10:10] Connie Miller: For instance, if your child wants to stay up late and you know they need their sleep, you can acknowledge their desire while gently explaining why bedtime is important. For say, I know you want to stay up and play, but your body needs rest to grow strong and healthy. How about we read one more book before bedtime, just tonight, then tomorrow we’ll go back to doing just two books. So, if we reframe this setting boundaries as something we are doing to our child, we start thinking of it as something that we’re doing for our child, not just their safety, but their overall growth and development. It can change the way we think about rules and boundaries. We no longer feel like the bad guy. We feel like the coach or the guide, helping them learn the skills that they need to be [00:11:00] successful in the field.

[00:11:01] Connie Miller: Now, next up, we have a big one. Emotional expression. How to acknowledge your child’s feelings and wants without becoming a permissive parent, ruled by your child’s every feeling and whim? How often do you wish your child could just tell you what they’re feeling? Not only would this help in the moment, but also to encourage the developmental expression, intelligence, and emotional development of your child. Let’s start by helping them name those big feelings.

[00:11:30] Connie Miller: Laying the groundwork for emotional intelligence. Super important stuff. This is a good place to pause. Remember, when we’ve talked about active listening, we’ve talked about empathy, we’ve talked about noticing those little cues. This is a great place to hone in. Some children like having their parents name their feelings based on observations. I.e., you’re crying. Something made you feel sad. Others like to have their actions named. I.e., you’re crying. Can you tell me what happened? [00:12:00] And still others prefer silence and just presence until their body feels calm, and they can ask open-ended questions. Are you ready to tell me what happened?

[00:12:08] Connie Miller: There are millions of variations, just like there are millions and millions of kids with all different personalities and characteristics. No two having the same personality. So get to know their cues. Try each expression out. Name their feelings. Ask them what their feelings came from, where they started. And see how their cues change when you try different tactics.

[00:12:33] Connie Miller: Then when you notice that little light in their eye, you’ve seen the door open. You have the perfect recipe for conquering emotional expression. You will help them grow their vocabulary, their emotional expression, and build relationships that are stronger and longer lasting.

[00:12:50] Connie Miller: Some children like reading books, speaking in third person about their feelings through their stuffed animals or dolls. Others still like to write notes to their parents. [00:13:00] You can start simple. Start by labeling their emotions.

[00:13:03] Connie Miller: Let’s reframe setting boundaries, not as something we are doing to our children, and start thinking of something that we get to do for our children. Not just their safety, but their overall growth and development. Oof, now we have a big one. Emotional expression. Acknowledge your child’s feelings. How the heck do we do this without becoming that dreaded permissive parent, ruled by our children’s every whim and feeling? How often do you wish your child could just tell you what they’re feeling, so you could figure it out faster? Not only would this help in the moment, we also want to encourage the development of emotional intelligence and expression.

[00:13:44] Connie Miller: So let’s start by helping them name those big feelings. It’s laying the groundwork for emotional intelligence. Super important stuff, right? This is a good place to pause, though, and remember what we’ve talked about already. We’ve talked about active listening, empathy, and noticing those little [00:14:00] cues.

[00:14:00] Connie Miller: Some children like having their parents name their feelings based on observations. I.e., you’re crying, something must have made you feel sad. Others like to have their actions named. I.e., you’re crying, can you tell me what happened? And still, others prefer to sit in silence, even being hugged, until their bodies are calm enough, and then be asked an open-ended question. You ready to tell me what happened?

[00:14:24] Connie Miller: There are millions of variations, just as there are millions of children with no two having the same personality. So get to know your child’s cues. How often do they perk up when you ask them a question when they’re upset, or even when they’re happy? How do you open the door to their feelings? And you have got the perfect recipe for conquering emotional expression and guiding your child to emotional intelligence.

[00:14:48] Connie Miller: Some children, they like reading books or speaking in third person about feelings and situations that they’re going through. Others still like to write notes to their parents and do it in a little bit [00:15:00] more anonymous a way.

[00:15:01] Connie Miller: You can start simple, start by labeling their emotions. See how they react. I see you’re feeling sad because your toy broke. It’s okay to feel upset. This can validate their feelings and teaches them the vocabulary to express themselves going into the future. If they respond negatively to this, try a different way. Ask an open-ended question next time. Maybe, ask them what they think made them cry. And have them guess. All kids respond differently. But the tools that you are using as a responsive parent are the same. You’re helping them name their feelings and grow their emotional expression.

[00:15:40] Connie Miller: Encourage your child to express their emotions, helps them understand and manage their feelings better. Not only now, but into the future. It also fosters a sense of trust and openness between you two. Possibly even helping when you get to those teen years, where kids notoriously start to shut down. [00:16:00] When they know they can talk to you about anything, it strengthens your bond and creates a safe space for them to be themselves. What does this look like? Let’s apply it to a story that any parent in the world can relate to, at one time or another, the great bedtime battle.

[00:16:16] Connie Miller: Former client of mine, named Sarah. She’s stuck with her three-year-old daughter, Lily, locked in an epic bedtime battle. Lily’s having a meltdown every night at bedtime. Sarah is exhausted, frustrated, and out of ideas. She feels like she’s tried everything. Sticker charts, earlier bedtimes, later bedtimes, rewards, consequences, you name it, but nothing is working.

[00:16:41] Connie Miller: One night after a particularly challenging day, Sarah decided to try something different. She remembered what she’d read about responsive parenting. That sometimes, children act out because they just don’t feel understood or validated. So she took a deep breath, sat down on Lily’s bed, and simply [00:17:00] asked, Hey Lily, can you tell mommy why bedtime is so hard for you? She got curious.

[00:17:06] Connie Miller: At first, Lily was just too upset to talk, but Sarah patiently waited and offered gentle encouragement. Slowly, Lily began to open up. She ended up telling her mom that she felt scared at night because of the shadows in her room. Sarah hadn’t realized that what she thought was just a phase was actually a source of genuine fear for her, no matter how silly we as adults feel that fear is.

[00:17:32] Connie Miller: With this new understanding, Sarah and Lily worked together to make bedtime less scary. So they built the routines and rules together. They added a nightlight, they read some soothing stories and even created a special bedtime ritual that included a little shadow puppet show to help Lily become more and more comfortable with shadows, making them fun and no [00:18:00] longer scary. It didn’t happen overnight, but over time the meltdowns decreased. Bedtime became much calmer and more connected time for them both, something they both look forward to now.

[00:18:11] Connie Miller: There is one key piece I want to shine a light on for you. Our children throughout their entire childhood, and even beyond, will co-regulate with us to some degree. And children before about the age of 12, cannot actually fully self-regulate. They cannot fully self-regulate. So it is a true CAN’T versus WON’T. Their sense of self nervous system, emotional brain have not developed enough to take on this monstrous task of self-regulation. Feels like a lot of pressure on us, doesn’t it?

[00:18:45] Connie Miller: That’s why it’s so important to notice what you feel like when you’re constantly juggling, trying to balance work and family. This is a common struggle for most, if not all parents, finding that elusive balance of work, life, personal [00:19:00] time, moming. All of it. It feels like a unicorn. But one of the most important aspects of responsive parenting is understanding that your well-being directly impacts your ability to parent effectively.

[00:19:15] Connie Miller: It’s not about being selfish. It’s about recognizing that you need to be the best you can be, to be the best parent you can be. This means taking time for self-care, setting boundaries between work and home. And being present in the moment, at work and at home, not trying to do all at once. Lean into the idea that you are modeling this importance to your children too, of self-care. Let go of the guilt for taking time for yourself. And I don’t mean, I peed by myself or I took a quiet shower alone time, real-time. It’s not always about the quantity of time. It can just be about the quality of time.

[00:19:57] Connie Miller: Some of us have even lost sight of what self-care [00:20:00] even looks like. Here are some simple ideas to get started if this speaks directly to you.

[00:20:05] Connie Miller: Set the same time every day or every week, whether it’s a hobby, an exercise, or simply some quiet time at home. This can be going for a walk. It can be even making dinner if you enjoy cooking. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup, so your self-care is not a luxury, it’s a necessity. Prioritize it.

[00:20:25] Connie Miller: Everyone’s needs in your house deserve to be a priority, including yours. You’ll have more energy, patience, and resilience to handle the demands of parenting. Set boundaries. Clearly define when you’re working and when you’re off the clock. This might mean setting specific work hours, sticking to them, having designated areas in your home that are work-free. By creating these boundaries, you’ll prevent work from encroaching on your family, and vice versa.

[00:20:53] Connie Miller: Try and delegate and share responsibilities as much as you can. Not just with your partner, or nanny, or [00:21:00] help, but with your kids too. Kids can do a lot of things. And what’s wild, when they’re younger, they see it as play. They play house. They play family. But the thing is, teamwork is key. So you just don’t have to go at it alone. Sharing the load a little bit can lighten the stress and allow you to focus on what is most important.

[00:21:21] Connie Miller: Of course, try and stay organized, use calendars, etc., even to-do lists. But this is also an area to share the tasks. Just because you created the list doesn’t mean you need to execute the whole thing. But it also helps to organize your brain, your mind, and ease stress internally. Organization can be alone, a total game changer, when managing the chaos of life. Use a big wall calendar, joint calendars, whatever it is.

[00:21:49] Connie Miller: Next, be present. Just be present. When you’re with your family, be with your family. Put away your phone, particularly if it’s a work phone. Turn off notifications for [00:22:00] work. Engage with your children. And I don’t necessarily mean you need to play all the games they want to play, but just engage with them. Invite them to be with you, doing what you’re doing. This can significantly strengthen your family bond. Being present means giving your full attention to your loved ones, making them feel valued and heard. Do not talk to your children over the top of your phone. It’s very simple just to tilt it down, and it can make a world of difference. Make sure to communicate openly about your needs and expectations too.

[00:22:33] Connie Miller: Work together as a team, and all of you will start to feel heard and understood. Maybe even try regular check-ins on Sunday nights, discuss what’s coming up that week. Make a plan. See if there’s any way people can change their schedules to help out more. Finally, let’s try and be flexible. Understand that balance doesn’t mean rigidly sticking to schedule. It’s a lot more about the rhythm of life. Sometimes you’ll need to adjust and [00:23:00] adapt based on circumstances, and re-find that rhythm. So being flexible allows you to handle the unexpected, just like having a good game plan without feeling overwhelmed.

[00:23:10] Connie Miller: All this sounds great, but what does it look like in your home?

[00:23:13] Connie Miller: Let’s start at the beginning by practicing active listening. Once we have mastered this, then the other pieces fall into place, much easier. Your challenge for this week is to intentionally practice active listening, as often as you can. Notice it, plan for it, even ask for a retry from your kids if you want to do it over again.

[00:23:35] Connie Miller: Here’s a little trick to help you remember the steps to active listening. And of course, it’s a cheesy acronym because that makes it easier. So listening, you use your ears.

[00:23:46] Connie Miller: So we have an acronym EAR. Engage, make eye contact, give your child your undivided attention, show them you’re truly interested in what they have to say. This means putting your phone down, turning off the TV, and really [00:24:00] focusing on your child.

[00:24:01] Connie Miller: A, acknowledge. Reflect back what you hear, repeat their words, or summarize what they said to show you understand and are validating their feelings. For example, if your child says, I’m sad because my friend didn’t play with me. You might respond with, I hear that you’re feeling sad because your friend didn’t want to play today.

[00:24:21] Connie Miller: And finally, R, respond. Give a thoughtful response. It doesn’t have to be a solution, and sometimes, it’s honestly better if it isn’t. Acknowledge their feelings can be just enough. A simple, I understand how you feel can go a long way in making your child feel heard and supported.

[00:24:37] Connie Miller: This week, try and carve out a few moments each day to practice this. Find your ear with your child. It could be during dinner, bedtime, or at quiet time. Just see how it works. Notice how it changes and molds your interactions and strengthens your connection.

[00:24:55] Connie Miller: And that’s the thing about responsive parenting. It’s just not about being perfect, [00:25:00] it’s about being present, tuning into your child’s words. Sometimes, it means roaring like a dragon or mimicking a kitten, but those moments, they’re gold.

[00:25:10] Connie Miller: But before we wrap up, I do want to leave you with this thought.

[00:25:15] Connie Miller: Responsive parenting is like a dance. Sometimes you step on toes, sometimes you’re in perfect sync. But with practice, you and your little one create something beautiful together. Responsive parenting is about connection and understanding. It’s about building a relationship with your child, based on trust and respect.

[00:25:35] Connie Miller: And while it is not always easy, the rewards are immeasurable. When you see your child growing into the confident, empathetic, resilient individual you knew that they could be, you’ll know that all the effort was worth it. And get this, they’ll start listening, cooperating, too. Starting now. Winning.

[00:25:54] Connie Miller: Next time on Raising Resilience, we’ll be discussing the guilt-free parenting. How to let [00:26:00] go of that shame and figure out a unique parenting journey without it. Because, let’s face it, we’ve all felt that parental guilt, at some point. Until then, keep dancing with your little ones. And remember, in parenting, progress beats perfection any day.

[00:26:17] Connie Miller: Remember that you’re not alone in this journey. Parenting is full of ups and downs. And it’s okay to ask for help and seek support, whether it’s from family, friends, professional resources. There are so many avenues to find encouragement and guidance before you hit rock bottom.

[00:26:32] Connie Miller: I’m also always here to help you, whether through Raising Resilience, my courses, or individual coaching. For more, check out HappinessCoaching.com for other resources. Thanks for tuning in today. If you found this helpful, why not share it with a fellow parent who could use a little encouragement?

[00:26:52] Connie Miller: Finally, keep in mind that every family is unique. What works for one might not work for another. And that’s perfectly fine, and the [00:27:00] way it should be. The key is to be continually curious and find what resonates with you and your child. And remain open to learning and adapting along the way.

[00:27:09] Connie Miller: As you go about your week, try to implement some of the strategies we’ve discussed. Pay attention to your child’s cues, practice active listening, and strive for consistency. Set those boundaries with love, encouragement, and help your child express their emotions. And most importantly, take care of yourself. Because a happy and healthy parent is the foundation of responsive parenting.

[00:27:31] Connie Miller: Until next time, keep nurturing, keep growing. And remember, in parenting, progress is better than perfection.