Setting Boundaries that Work: More Strategy, Less Stress

Connie Miller: [00:00:00] All right parents, here we are. There are few things more frustrating than setting boundaries and seeing your kids completely ignore them. But what if I told you that setting boundaries isn’t about being more strict, having better punishments and consequences, but it’s more about being strategic? What do I mean by this?

You’re ready to establish boundaries that actually work. Your kids will remember, and you will be able to stop nagging them. This episode is for you. I’m your host, Connie Miller, Raising Resilience.

The goal of Raising Resilience is to support, encourage, and build resiliency in our parenting and in our children, paving the way for homes that are more fun about balance, collaboration, and leaving the stress, frustration, and burnout in the dust.

Alright, let’s roll. No time to waste. Because guess what is waiting for you when you set boundaries not only work, but they will provide you with relief, [00:01:00] balance and connection, giving you that very precious time to enjoy parenting. I know what you might be thinking. It’s hard to find time to create boundaries. Especially when you’ve tried them over and over again to be just met with failure. But here’s the thing, you’re already losing time and energy, maintaining your current situation that isn’t really working.

By making a small shift to be more strategic about boundaries, you will ultimately save the time and gain so much more. With these simple shifts in your strategy and setting boundaries, the time you will save will create more space in your day, and imagine what you could do with more time, more space, more fun, and connection in your house.

Alright, we all know what it feels like, that feeling that you’re frustrated, that your kids aren’t listening, they’re constantly pushing back, constantly negotiating, [00:02:00] feeling like you’re always repeating yourself, and resorting to bigger and more crazy consequences, or even resorting to yelling. Feeling overwhelmed and wondering if it’s easier to just give in at the moment and say yes to get the tantrum to stop. All of these things lead to burnout. You know it. I know it. The surgeon general even knows it.

In his latest report, he says that 95% of parents are reporting burnout, but we know this. We know that we’re not alone. But that honestly doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t feel good to feel burnt out, to feel frustrated, to feel overwhelmed at the end of the day. So what can we do about it?

Here’s the thing, it’s all down to us. It’s not about creating a step-by-step process of a should do this, shouldn’t do that kind of mentality. That’s what’s getting us into trouble. Trying to do a one-size-fits-all all for every family, for every kid, for all [00:03:00] personalities, for all circumstances, for all needs. It just doesn’t work.

So before we get into how to shift our strategy, let’s look at what the root causes are for boundary breakdown. First is lack of clarity, not only to our kids but to ourselves. What is our why? If boundaries aren’t clear and specific, it makes it really hard for kids to understand what to expect. And it makes it really hard for us to stay consistent with the rules. It leads to confusion and it leaves space for kids to have meltdowns.

This piggybacks on the next one. Just inconsistency of enforcement. If you can’t have something that’s simple and easy to follow through on, you can’t have consistency. Children learn quickly that rules are negotiable because parents tend to have trouble [00:04:00] with following through and consistency. And it makes sense. We’re tired. We’re living in the generation where we have dual working families. This makes sense. And we can still address it. We don’t have to just accept it.

And the last one is one that we all will fall into, now and in the future. It happened. That explosion, that emotional reactivity. Setting boundaries when emotions are high, changing them in the moment, and forcing them through frustration or anger, often just results in the power struggle we’re trying to avoid in the first place.

Boundaries are most effective when they’re communicated calmly, and empathetically, allowing kids to feel safe, understood, and know the consequences for their decisions. Empowering them, giving them the ability to see that they actually have the power to choose in these situations. Easier said than done, right? But stick with me, alright?

If we [00:05:00] flip those breakdowns around, we want to increase clarity, create systems that support consistency, and hold boundaries calmly. Seems a little too simple, right? And I know what you might be thinking. This won’t work for my kids. I’ve tried it. I’ve read the books. I’ve listened to other podcasts, even looked at influencers on Instagram. Everything seems so simple and so idyllic. I get it. You’ve tried the things in the past and nothing seems to work. But here’s the thing that makes this difference different.

Boundaries work with any child when they are tailored to their specific needs and personalities. Not only that, when they represent their families, needs, desires, and personalities as a whole as well. This is exactly why cookie-cutter rules don’t work, but a strategy shift does. It’s all about finding the right strategy that [00:06:00] your child and your family believe in, understand, and not enforcing the same rule on every child, just because it worked for another family. How do we do this? How do we set these strategic effective boundaries?

So first, let’s reframe boundaries as connection point. Boundaries aren’t about control or punishment. They’re about creating connection, predictability, safety, understanding the umbrella that our whole family gets to be under, to have that ability to coexist in a way that makes every person, not just the kids, needs met. The parents need too.

The ultimate goal here is not just relief, but also connection. And I promise you, both are waiting for you. Once you start setting boundaries based on strategies and not on steps.

Alright, so there’s some key principles to [00:07:00] stick to when doing this strategy shift. They’re the four C’s. We have Clarity, Consistency, Collaboration, and Compassion. Clarity is imperative. We need to set clear, specific rules and boundaries that kids can understand and are based on our past successes and what we’ve learned from challenges within our own family.

Be curious about why your kid keeps pushing against a boundary. Try and look behind the behavior. Let them ask questions, be honest, explain what you’re noticing, explain why you’re setting boundaries. Boundaries generally have to do with simple things like safety, respect, health, kindness. Those are all ideas that kids of all ages can start to understand.

Second is consistency, follow-through, even when it’s difficult, particularly in the beginning. No one likes change. Not adults, not parents, not kids, not grandparents, no one. But when you’re rooted in a why, that you really [00:08:00] understand, you’ve taken the time to have the conversations with your kids, it makes it easier to be consistent. Boundaries lose their power when they fluctuate, especially in the beginning.

And here’s a hint. Even when you have to bend a boundary, call it out. Acknowledge that this is a moment where you are choosing to bend the boundary. And that the boundary overall isn’t changing. This closes the door on that wiggle room conversation for the next time they want to watch their iPad in bed, or whatever boundary you bent because there was a need in that moment.

Third, is collaboration. Engage your kids in the discussions around the boundaries. Give them a sense of ownership over the rules. Let them make small choices. Make them part of the process.

And then last is compassion. Compassion that change is hard. Boundaries are hard. Even if they understand them, they still might push against them every now and again. And that when there [00:09:00] is pushback, there is the possibility for a consequence that is natural and understandable. So what might this look like?

Not too long ago, a friend of mine came to me exhausted and at her wit’s end. She and her husband were just getting dominated every night, feeling so overwhelmed with battling their two boys at bedtime. She was desperate for relief. Desperate for that nighttime routine, where she could snuggle in with her two beloved boys and end a long day, enjoying time together, which should have been taking 30 minutes of bedtime was taking an hour or more, leading to frustration, power struggles, poor sleep for both the boys and her and her husband.

Not only were the kids missing out on sleep because it was taking so long to have them go to sleep, but the parents were also missing out on valuable post-bedtime, wind-down connection time between the two of them. The whole family was starting to [00:10:00] disconnect because they did not have the time for connection, to enjoy being together.

Alright, so what did their old bedtime routine look like? It was a pattern. It made sense, right? One night Mom would put one down, the next night she’d put the other one down. And the same for Dad. And they would alternate back and forth and back and forth. It made sense. It felt fair. But it never worked.

The boys were constantly reinventing ways to push back. Whether it was demanding, whichever parent was putting their brother down, whether it was dragging their feet getting into bed, whether it was asking for more and more books, whether it was asking for extra water, coming down after, getting up in the night, and they just couldn’t figure it out.

They were pushing a routine that wasn’t built for their family. So we spent a little time, getting curious, shifting strategies, got creative, and we were able to find success. [00:11:00] They were able to figure out a strategy that worked, find a boundary to set that met their kids’ needs, their kids’ personalities, and their family’s life and schedule.

Not every family has the ability to have two parents put the kids down every night. Some families have more than two kids. But this is a story of what worked for this family. So let’s remember, behavior is a child’s best attempt to communicate a want or a need. In this case, what these two little boys wanted and needed was more connection time with both parents.

But let’s be honest, more isn’t always the answer. It can be quality over quantity. The alternating pattern was stressing this point to the boys, to the degree that they were having these big behaviors. They were frantically trying to find a way to get more time to connect with both of their parents. And so the alternating [00:12:00] pattern was the root of the bedtime problems for this family.

What did they do? They modified bedtime to include time for each kid, to have time with both parents every night. Not more time, just time. So now they were splitting the time with their boys each night. One parent would read to one son and then get up and go to the other son’s room for snuggle time and listening to a playlist.

They created buy-in and collaboration with the boys because you know what they did? When they created that playlist, they included the boys. They came up with songs that everyone agreed on. And so now, they had these cues to habits. Getting in bed, reading with mom, books over, mom gets up and goes to brother, dad comes in, and I get time with my dad too. This worked.

The new routine had a strategy [00:13:00] rooted in what worked for this family. Their routine was simple and clear, making it easy to stay consistent, by collaborating with the boys in the playlist, they created buy-in. And even with pushback at the beginning, because there will always be some pushback, even if they totally buy-in, change is hard, expect it.

But the parents were able to calmly and confidently hold the boundary until the boys got used to it. By having compassion and conviction for why they set this new boundary, knowing that it was rooted in something that addressed a need in their family. They were able to avoid boundary breakdown by increasing that clarity, creating systems that support their family’s need, increasing consistency, and holding the boundaries common.

Or how about this one from my personal parenting journey? I know all of you can relate. And if you can’t relate personally, I know you’ve seen it. It’s all too [00:14:00] familiar. The time to leave meltdown. Whether it’s from the park, playdate, pool, wherever it is, we’ve all either been there or seen it. The meltdown and power struggle at the end of a fun play session. It’s frustrating, embarrassing, and exhausting for parents.

And honestly, can even ruin a wonderful playdate. And make you never want to do it again. Alright, I’ve felt all of these things, very recently with my four-year-old. He’s getting to the point where he’s old enough to start making friends. And he’d made his really good first friend. That friend that he wakes up in the morning and asks to go play with, not just someone that he runs into at the playground, or someone that I ask him if he wants to play with. Someone that he truly enjoys being with and thinks about and wants to be with. They play wonderfully together. They share, they laugh, they have a great time.

I didn’t notice it at first. I was so wrapped up in this sweet new friendship. But my son’s behaviors when it was time to leave were getting [00:15:00] bigger and bigger. Until one day, it was a full-blown tantrum in the middle of a playground. Embarrassing, yes. But as a parenting expert, parenting coach, and former educator, there was a little bit of extra salt in my wounds. I was mortified. I was mad at myself for letting me get to that point, and also very over it.

After getting home, taking time to calm down, and eating a snack. When in doubt, always eat a snack. It can do wonders.

I realized I’d missed a key step in setting boundaries on playtime with friends. Clarity. Until this point, it hadn’t been that big of a deal. Yeah, he’d get upset leaving sometimes, but never to this degree, because we never had to define it until this point. He never had such a big reason to want to stay somewhere as a friendship.

He had no idea [00:16:00] of what my expectations were for leaving playtime with friends. To him, it felt like I was just coming in, abruptly ending his fun for no reason. So why wouldn’t he fight back? Why wouldn’t he feel frustrated? I need to slow down and set a boundary that worked for both of us. So what did I do?

Later that night, we were able to sit down. And I was able to share with him what I noticed, the patterns that were increasing, share with him why that felt frustrating to me, why it was not the best way for him to communicate a need. And then we made a plan to find a new way to leave a play session.

Because even though play is fun, we do eventually need to move on. The key with really young kids, this is a good one, is to make it playful and fun. He doesn’t care that we have to go home to run errands. That’s not cool for a four-year-old. But if I joke about the fact that if we don’t go home, he’d be eating sticks and [00:17:00] rocks and worms for dinner. Bleh. And joke with him about it. Or what would his poor teddy do all night alone in bed? He’d be so sad without him. His teddy loves him.

So it doesn’t need to be all of our parenting reasons. We can make it fun and playful and realistic for a four-year-old while saying at the same time, we need to get home to eat dinner, you need to sleep in your bed, you can’t stay at a park all night. Because I was able to sit there, be a little bit playful, create a stronger boundary with his help and understanding. So it was clear that things would change around what we needed to do in order to leave playtime appropriately and easily.

We made some simple agreements that were easy for a four-year-old to understand. We made an agreement about the fact that he gets to pick before the start of each playtime, how he wants to be told that playtime is ending. Does he want a countdown? Does he want a five-minute warning? Ten-minute warning? And honestly, one of my [00:18:00] personal favorites, instead of telling them that it’s finishing or that time’s up, I have them pick a special car snack that they get to have in the car after the play date. Something that feels of a little bit higher value. Or something that’s fun and quirky ants in a log, or something like that. Something a little bit unusual. Especially at the beginning of setting a new boundary. Something for them to look forward to that sees them through the next transition. But he gets to pick, that’s the key. It’s his choice. But we have to make an agreement on what it is before we get out of the car.

Then the last bit is the ever-present compassion. Recognizing that you know that it’s hard to leave friends, that you feel the same way about leaving your friends. And that if we can’t leave easily, it makes it harder to say yes to another playdate. And that would feel really sad for both of you. And that he has the power to choose how he leaves. He can be upset and still leave calmly and [00:19:00] quietly.

Shifting my strategy around setting boundaries around play time, he now knows what to expect, making it easier on both of us. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t perfect. It took some time for him to believe me. We did have to miss a few playdates. It was hard. It wasn’t fun for both of us. But now, most of the time, he leaves without incident. Just like parenting, we can’t expect perfection from our kids. Just progress.

Alright, I also want to address something that touches all parts of parenting, not just boundary setting. That sneaky little pest guilt. Guilt around boundaries can often masquerade as fear, or doubt, inconsistency, that desire to just give in. You might be thinking, I don’t want to risk feeling guilty or messing up. It’s easier, just to keep the status quo. We’re all surviving. Fine, just keep moving forward. This will end one day.

But here’s the thing, [00:20:00] guilt comes from doubt, doubt that you can’t do it, or that you’re going to make the wrong or the bad decision, or worrying that you’re going to be too strict or someone’s going to judge you. All of these little nagging thoughts that serve us in no way. They actually make it harder to be consistent and to set boundaries.

We can always modify boundaries if we don’t feel like it’s working. We don’t need to make ourselves feel bad or guilty in the process. Remember, you’re modeling what healthy relationship dynamics look like, by creating these routines together as a family. Addressing everyone’s needs, not just the kids’ needs.

Even when our children are uncomfortable or sad about a boundary, if we’re clear with them and ourselves about why we are setting this boundary, and we’ve communicated with our kids and provided space for collaboration, it will make it infinitely easier to consistently [00:21:00] hold the boundary, address pushback calmly and confidently. Creating space for balance, fun, connection, relief.

The key part about this too, is to not only be compassionate with your kids, but to remember to always be compassionate with yourself too. At Raising Resilience, we’re not all about perfection. We are about progress over perfection.

The relief comes when your kids start to understand it and respect the boundaries. Creating that space in your home, small changes, big results. This is a strategy shift, not a step by step how to shift. Strategy. Remember the four C’s. Create clarity, consistency, collaboration, and compassion. Take this first step. Find one boundary today that you want to try this with. Pick it, set it, work on it, try it, and watch the magic unfold.

Alright, if you like this and want more, follow [00:22:00] us. I’m here for you. This is not a sprint, this is a marathon. But with good plans in place, actionable strategies, we can roll with and adapt to all phases of parenting, now and way into the future. Look forward to exploring more of the wild world of parenting with you.

Remember, parenting doesn’t have to be overwhelming or chaotic. Strategic boundaries create space for connection, balance, and peace in your home. And as always, be kind to yourself. Remember, progress over perfection.

See you next time on Raising Resilience.